is this the year i will finally learn to say (and mean): no?

2020 brought with it a lot of changes. and i am not referring to covid19 at all.
2020 brought upon me the (as it seems now) long overdue end of a relationship that turned out not to be what it seemed to be. at least not for me. i ended up feeling, well, what did i feel actually? i felt (and still feel) used and abused. exploited. taken advantage of. and i wasn’t even aware of it. or did not want to see it (still trying to work out which one). am i hurting? god knows i am.
2020 brought upon me a workload that i did not ask for and probably wouldn’t have – at least not for another year. it was a project that felt like an honour, an award at first but turned out able to kill my spirit. in the end it was that very workload and the fact that i was left all by myself to cope with it which lead to a nervous breakdown and a severe relapse of my underlying chronic disease. i still haven’t recovered from either one of these. am i struggling? god knows i am.
2020 brought upon me thoughts and feelings i wish i never would have had. am i fighting? only god knows….

(i have found that writing helps me pulling through dark times. right now i don’t really care if that means you will know more about me than i would give away under different circumstances. right now i am in survival mode: living each day at a time. if my words don’t mean anything to you, just don’t read them. if, on the other hand, you want to share any thoughts or be part of a journey with an uncertain ending: feel free to tag along.
i haven’t got a plan yet as to how this journey will look like. i need to sort myself out a little at first before i can share some of it. my brain is a mess. if anything doesn’t make sense to you at all: don’t blame it on me and don’t get mad at me, for this is my blog and this is about me. as the header says: this hopefully marks the year i will learn to say „no“ and mean it. this hopefully will mark the year i will stop apologizing for things i am not responsible for, such as being chronically ill for example. and i don’t know yet whether i will keep this mono- or bilingual. my mood will set the language.)

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