e^3 or the red flags i did not see…

why e^3? because most of the red flags i did not see in my relationship start with an e. but i should better start explaining it…

what bothered me most and what in itself would (and should) have been enough of a reason for a break up were the excuses i was confronted with and which upset more and more the longer we had been together. whenever i suggested something (as a result of him complaining about his wait and the pain it causes him physically and otherwise), i was offered numerous excuses why this and that was literally impossible, wouldn’t work or couldn’t be put into practice. even the tiniest change of habit was met by a concrete wall. it felt like all he wanted was my comfort but anything that would actually help him improve his situation and which would mean any (physical or mental) activity on his side… …well, my ideas weren’t welcome, to say the least. if you insist on rewarding yourself before you start doing a task and are not willing to change that approach because you would see that as a punishment.. ….you’re a lost cause, not seeking help and wasting my time. i did not see that red flag at the time.

that brings me to my next point: if you bring up excuses in order to avoid any action, it means you don’t want to put in any effort, right? and it will not come as a surprise that in all six years of our relationship i made all the effort. i travelled for 9+ hours twice a year. i made all the bookings. and as he does not have a driver’s licence, i picked up and dropped off friends and relatives, drove him 3 hours one way to a store to shop a new mattress, etc. and even when friends offered to help out with airmiles, he wormed his way out of the possibility to have to board a flight to europe. it would have meant an effort on his part, leaving his hometown and his comfort zone… ….and it was another red flag i chose not to see. even when we were about the break up he phrased it as „i haven’t ruled out in my mind me maybe joining you in europe.“ you don’t have to read it twice to realise that hell is more likely to freeze over tomorrow than him ever travelling anywhere outside his country ever. he did not even make the effort to show enough interest in what’s going on in my life to know that i had a graduation upcoming last year. if you learn about your significant others´ achievements via facebook, you know something’s really really wrong and you should put in a lot more… …effort.

and if you are smart, you will be aware that an economical factor is closely attached to most efforts. of all the flights and hotels booked, SUVs rented and fuelled up (because at 6 ft 8 he wouldn’t comfortably fit into a smaller, considerably cheaper car), it did not occur even once(!) to him to offer to share the costs. nor did i ever get any present that cost him any money (not that i asked for it, but don’t we all love a small token of appreciation every now and then?). as a banker that is the red flag that bugs me the most for not seeing. thinking about his behaviour, it feels like i fell into the hands of a freeloader. i don’t mind saving money myself but him praising me for not being „high maintenance“ now sounds oddly weird. and i can’t get rid of the impression that he was happy to spend my money (he had already planned which car „we“ would buy… …with my money obviously, or whatever would have been left of it….). we ate from paper plates using plastic cutlery (i asked for proper plates more than once to no avail) and napkins that came with delivered food. he did pay where and when he had to (family dinner), when he could leave a good impression with others (friends) and on himself (gadgets). america first… *cough*

i did the maths. it is safe to say that my colour blindness cost me a whopping 15.000 €. money that would come in handy to cover part of my medical expenses.

yet he had the audacity to throw mud at me last year, weeks after we broke up. i did not even have a chance to defend myself for he blocked me on every channel. if he was as mature as could be expected of a man his age, he would want to come clean. but that’s a concept that’s beyond him (that’s a different story, though). which is why i feel no remorse about getting the above off my chest. not that i need to remind myself of those red flags for if he achieved one thing, it is this: i am cured of any wish to be in a relationship again. ever.

thanks for nothing, david.

that’s one ill-fated chapter closed. there are a lot of things i look forward to, plenty of things that make me happy. time to move on, flip open a new page in my book of life and keep on writing. i learned a lot about myself (and others) this past year; and despite everything i am still curious what else life has in store for me…

p.s.: don’t get me wrong. i loved him. loved him dearly.

p.p.s.: i don’t miss him one bit. i am the happiest single on this planet. i don’t mind men and i certainly don’t hate them. but i neither need nor want any one of them in my life other than as a friend (without benefits).

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it’s all surface…

a year and half ago i took on a new job. what an exciting thing to when you are in your mid-fourties! i loved the new challenge, i loved the fact that it meant growth in so many ways. and, after all, i was meant to have an experienced colleague at my side, who would train me to take over his job in 2024. what could possibly go wrong?

a lot, it seems. while i got along fine with said colleague and the working atmosphere couldn’t have been better i did not realize that in terms of „training on the job“ he left me out in the rain. i still need to work out whether he has done it on purpose or whether he isn’t aware of the effect his complete and utter lack of support had on me. for it didn’t show right away and for everyone, including me, everything seemed fine. which meant that my workload and my responsibility increased. last year was stressful, not because of covid19, no, we just had a ton of audits to complete and i had two challenging audits to lead and wasn’t prepared for it at all. it didn’t show until the end of november when i became acutely aware of my shortcomings and the fact that there was no way i could cope with it (or even try to cover it up). the consequences in mind (external recipients of both audits sitting in Brussels….), i not only was shocked, i had a nervous breakdown while on the phone with my line manager the week before christmas. due to a few concomitant circumstances things got worse and i had (and still have) to deal with a full-blown severe depression. that i am still alive today is almost a miracle…

with the help of medication and time and distancing myself from the situation i finally managed to reflect on a few things, knowing that it’s far from over. and while i am trying not to put blame on anyone (we all made mistakes, myself, my colleague, my line manager…), i need to become aware of a few things in order to avoid them in the future. and writing down usually helps me.

but, back to my headline and my colleague: it’s all surface. my colleague gives the impression of being an amiable caring guy, always concerned about everyone’s wellbeing, initiating/running projects about sound therapy and burn-out prevention(!). you would think that he would have the antennae and the empathy to perceive and stop the above before it even begins. far from it! a few conversations later i can’t help but come to the conclusion that he’s but a wannabe, not noticing someone’s need of help until you thrust a bleeding arm right into his face. he is a „jack of all trades“ but when it comes to showing support to anyone but himself there is nothing but idle words. at the same time an „i’ve done it already“ is of no help to anyone who needs to learn the ropes. i am a quick learner but unless someone at least teaches me the basics (of the software, the processes and whatever else i need to know) even i can’t know which questions to ask… i was doomed to fail. and i can tell you it’s the most unpleasant experience ever.

gosh, i have learned a lot these past few weeks. i am about to bounce back (i hope, i guess, i pray). from a complete lack of feelings while i was surrounded by the utmost darkness, i have returned to… feeling something. as i don’t trust myself yet to have a conversation with my colleague all by myself (my voice still gives me away sometimes), i have asked for a mediated yet open and frank discussion where my line manager and someone from our social services department takes part. how else would i be supposed to work with him again in the future even if it was remotely? i can’t just brush it off and consider it a thing of the past. it nearly killed me. literally.

i am still willing to hold on to my job as much as my line manager is willing to hold on to me. my training is up to her now and the fact that she believes in me and wants to make up for mistakes made, kindles that tiny spark of optimism that i have found in me the other day.

oh, and the one thing i desperately need to do is to keep away from his fb page. i need to keep away from those people who post nothing but (esoteric) thoughts of others. i prefer people who are authentic. people who are genuine, who fail, who smile, cry, get angry, care for each other.

people who forgive me for being honest about how i feel.

people with more than a seemingly shiny surface.

Veröffentlicht unter aus gruenden, depressed, Uncategorized | Kommentar hinterlassen

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is this the year i will finally learn to say (and mean): no?

2020 brought with it a lot of changes. and i am not referring to covid19 at all.
2020 brought upon me the (as it seems now) long overdue end of a relationship that turned out not to be what it seemed to be. at least not for me. i ended up feeling, well, what did i feel actually? i felt (and still feel) used and abused. exploited. taken advantage of. and i wasn’t even aware of it. or did not want to see it (still trying to work out which one). am i hurting? god knows i am.
2020 brought upon me a workload that i did not ask for and probably wouldn’t have – at least not for another year. it was a project that felt like an honour, an award at first but turned out able to kill my spirit. in the end it was that very workload and the fact that i was left all by myself to cope with it which lead to a nervous breakdown and a severe relapse of my underlying chronic disease. i still haven’t recovered from either one of these. am i struggling? god knows i am.
2020 brought upon me thoughts and feelings i wish i never would have had. am i fighting? only god knows….

(i have found that writing helps me pulling through dark times. right now i don’t really care if that means you will know more about me than i would give away under different circumstances. right now i am in survival mode: living each day at a time. if my words don’t mean anything to you, just don’t read them. if, on the other hand, you want to share any thoughts or be part of a journey with an uncertain ending: feel free to tag along.
i haven’t got a plan yet as to how this journey will look like. i need to sort myself out a little at first before i can share some of it. my brain is a mess. if anything doesn’t make sense to you at all: don’t blame it on me and don’t get mad at me, for this is my blog and this is about me. as the header says: this hopefully marks the year i will learn to say „no“ and mean it. this hopefully will mark the year i will stop apologizing for things i am not responsible for, such as being chronically ill for example. and i don’t know yet whether i will keep this mono- or bilingual. my mood will set the language.)

Veröffentlicht unter depressed | Kommentar hinterlassen

Geschützt: low maintenance…

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