is this the year i will finally learn to say (and mean): no?

2020 brought with it a lot of changes. and i am not referring to covid19 at all.
2020 brought upon me the (as it seems now) long overdue end of a relationship that turned out not to be what it seemed to be. at least not for me. i ended up feeling, well, what did i feel actually? i felt (and still feel) used and abused. exploited. taken advantage of. and i wasn’t even aware of it. or did not want to see it (still trying to work out which one). am i hurting? god knows i am.
2020 brought upon me a workload that i did not ask for and probably wouldn’t have – at least not for another year. it was a project that felt like an honour, an award at first but turned out able to kill my spirit. in the end it was that very workload and the fact that i was left all by myself to cope with it which lead to a nervous breakdown and a severe relapse of my underlying chronic disease. i still haven’t recovered from either one of these. am i struggling? god knows i am.
2020 brought upon me thoughts and feelings i wish i never would have had. am i fighting? only god knows….

(i have found that writing helps me pulling through dark times. right now i don’t really care if that means you will know more about me than i would give away under different circumstances. right now i am in survival mode: living each day at a time. if my words don’t mean anything to you, just don’t read them. if, on the other hand, you want to share any thoughts or be part of a journey with an uncertain ending: feel free to tag along.
i haven’t got a plan yet as to how this journey will look like. i need to sort myself out a little at first before i can share some of it. my brain is a mess. if anything doesn’t make sense to you at all: don’t blame it on me and don’t get mad at me, for this is my blog and this is about me. as the header says: this hopefully marks the year i will learn to say „no“ and mean it. this hopefully will mark the year i will stop apologizing for things i am not responsible for, such as being chronically ill for example. and i don’t know yet whether i will keep this mono- or bilingual. my mood will set the language.)

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Geschützt: low maintenance…

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Geschützt: excuses excuses excuses

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love is blind

„love is blind“… a good friend said to me a while ago when we talked about my failed long-term long-distance relationship. i nodded, at that very moment not realizing the depth of truth that proverb holds.

„love is blind“… and it seems i am slowly being cured from that blindness. it has been – and still is – a painful process to regain my mental and emotional eyesight again. from disbelief to denial to depression… ….these are just a few of the emotions i am going through right now. it’s no fun to be me.

„love is blind“… and i can’t help but wonder: was it really love?

(this is only the beginning. not everything that keeps my mind busy these days might turn into a blogpost. not every blogpost might go public.)

Veröffentlicht unter allgemeinphilosophisches, aus gruenden, private, Uncategorized | Kommentar hinterlassen

pieces

i broke
and while i thought
i am fine
i found out that i am not.
every time i bent down to pick up a piece of myself
another one dropped
every time i thought one tiny splinter wasn‘t worth picking up
its absence made the hole just bigger

Veröffentlicht unter allgemeinphilosophisches, basics | Kommentar hinterlassen